I drove here from Tampa area in my mini-van with 2 small
kids and pregnant... it took 3 days to get to the border with 2 hotel stops so
we could sleep. It was nice because we cut down into New Orleans which I was
there years prior, “for lunch in the French Quarter”, but to see that the devastation
from Katrina was still evident in the missing windows and such. I met Ricardo
at Matamoros, Mexico, a border city along the Gulf. After 3 days of driving
pregnant, my exhausted emotions were out of control and the confusion
in the street of the culture slap across my face, with my eyes flipping through
the faces and none of them being Ricardo’s, broke me.
Directly passed the border entry, a middle aged heavy woman
went walking by in the heavily populated street with a pole across her
shoulders, selling the upside-down whole chickens that were tied to it, and it
was strange to me, dramatic, like time
travel. A scruffy man walked up to my van at the stop sign and
sprayed water out of a plastic pop bottle to squeegee clean my windshield. My
concentration was on Ricardo’s frustrated Spanish on the cell because we could
not find each other. I rolled up the window real fast and the man started flipping
out, waving his arms around for money, so I shot two quarters out a little crack
at the top and sped off…. That is when I made the U-Turn and headed back to the
border parking lot in somewhat of a panicked shock.
I felt pretty good about myself before that. The effort that
was put into getting there took a considerable amount of determination, all
while raising the children, maintaining my health and job… Our passports were
in hand, all expedited, everything I owned was sold off in the front yard, I
left my great job on good terms and the kids finished their school-year – all of
which I did while missing Ricardo and anticipating what living in Mexico would
entail with our nightly phone calls via the press 100 different numbers first calling
card. The drive alone to get to the border started with peeling away from my
parents that stood in my rented home’s driveway crying that it was the last
time they would see us alive… To be so brave as to go driving off to the land
of the no return with nothing but an adventuresome soul… yep… I was feeling
pretty damn confident at that point.
I guess that I pictured just a continuation of the highway
that took us through Texas…
Mexico is not just separated from the Estados Unidos by a
line on a geography map, or a place for exotic beach vacations, or don’t drink
the water jokes, or men with huge sombreros sleeping under a cactus with his
pet donkey parked close by…
Mexico is a personality.
I say that with discomfort as not to judge this part of me
that is foreign to my childhood, but is my children’s short lived knowledge of
the world and life.
My beloved Mexico with your deep sense of survival and ability
to simply look at a person and realize if that person deserves that extra coin,
or guiltless denial, according to the standards of simplicity of life. Coming
in from the giant presumed money tree USA, I am permanently tattooed as I am
not only here by marriage as opposed to blood, which holds weight, but my
heritage awards me a status of responsibility to give, whether I have it or not
in realistic terms.
Because I grew up with HBO and Jordache Jeans, rode in cars
with boys without a care in the world and finished my free high school
education with every hope of making my life as big as I dreamed… because I was
ignorant to the fact that my life was economically coveted by most of the world…
it suddenly did not matter that we were only able to afford beans for meals…
simply because... Who I was and what experience in my life surmounted at the
same knowledge level as those who surrounded our town, family, and friends that
were of economic upper class – that alone made our financial issues MY problem
and so was my responsibility to help others if we wanted to make it work here.
Sure… I could have secluded our little poor family. I could
have smiled nice at the neighbors and kept to myself with polite giggles and
waves and shifted around at the local tienda with my broken Spanish. I could
have had an island inside my mind with my family living in paradise in the land
that I claimed as my own with virtually no problems only because that is how
protected we chose to live…
But I did not do that.
This is how it is – the land of survival… the people here seem
to realize your intentions in a way that revolves around their own survival. I
cannot fool myself into thinking that I will bring my American heritage here
and make dreams for my children to soar above it all. That way of thinking is
taught in the dubbed American sitcoms and frankly why so many choose to venture
to American soil through days of desert commuting. It is simple really.
If we are to live in Mexico in our lifetime as a couple, as
a family, in any event, will have to involve my American heritage. It is not because I am spoiled in need for
myself, or that I want my children to be spoiled, but it is because I am
spoiled within the society that I claim to want to be a part of. It is a responsibility.
One day when I grow up I want to scrape enough money
together to buy a cart to push up and down the street and sell seafood on ice,
or fancy bread under a table cloth, or pillows that I sewed together…
What words are there to explain how that is not for me or
the children that I will raise?
It is not about self-glory or conceit, imperialism of my
country or poking fun at another. It is not for me. It is a responsibility.
Then again, it is on me.
And THAT is not something that can be passed off with a
polite smile. This is who we are in our separate family kingdom’s hierarchy placement
and in this country that holds importance. There will be no settling for less
than struggling strives “just because” we want to choose to settle for content,
relaxing, happiness instead. There will be no American attitude of “money is
not important, love is” because that is not the reality here. It is not about
love in that sense of individuality as a part of the Mexican society. It is a
responsibility that is placed to do more than to simply keep our heads above
water… it is to swim hard.
... and enjoy while doing so.
... and enjoy while doing so.
I refuse to leave my American heritage at the border. Maybe that is why everybody in Monterrey hated me so much.
ReplyDeleteI want my kids to be able to have it all. I will do anything and everything possible and impossible to accomplish that. My kids go to an American school online and will never step foot inside a Mexican school. That is not because I feel that we are better then them. That si because, I know from seeing through my nieces and nephews for the past 2 years that the ewducation here is far from par. My niece is in 7th grade and my daughter who is just now going into the 5th grade is more advanced that she is. My nephew who grduated secundaria (middle school) has never done algebra, not even pre-algebra.
My kids future is way more important than that to me. I am not judging anybody who has their kids in school here, to each their own.
I refuse to live like the traditional Mexican family where the husband is the boss and master. My husband and I are equals and we each do whatever needs done. I have never asked him for permission to do something and never will. The in laws don't liek that, but oh well.
Sorry to take over you post. I just wanted to show you that you can keep your AMerican heritage with you here in Mexico, it is a little more difficult, but possible.
I do agree with you however, Miguel has to get his visa. I have come to realize that I can't live my whole life in Mexico. I have left too much in the States as you have. Hugs, my friend.