Sunday, October 2, 2011

Picking Out The Shrapnel.

       September is a month when I usually feel the ends brush against me. The end of summer's freedom to run, end of warmth as Pennsylvania goes cold, end of green as fall begins... this September was the end. But what was it the end of? No word to label this one really, just a deep gorge scarred into my nerve. An end to wholeness? No. I was not so whole before this. An end to sacrifical patience? No. I still have not an option for something lighter weighted to bear. Hmmm... Maybe aiming in the direction of control would hold a balance. I am limited, but as always I have been, the reality of it being a facad in my mind has been made clear. That is it! The end of control.
       With every end, there is a beginning. As I do not have control, then this opens the boundary for me to believe in many things that before we uncomfortable. I am finding that accepting that the polite gestures of acquaintances are meant only for their own boundaries and have nothing to do with me in all actuality, therefore freeing me, creating a beginning for me to break away from.
       The parenting of six children on my own has forced its poking rods into my soft shell this month. Granted my oldest two children live with my ex-husband, but that in itself comes with a history of reprocussions that lead to today's folly. He did not win them, but yet he has been awarded with his own self proclaimed Zues standing in our days of separated sharing of two lives. My middle two children I do have sole responsibility awarded to me, that I did not 'have' to fight for, or even ask for, as it was given to me with the added pencilled in words of the judge, "shared custody would be detrimental to the children," as concluded our divorce decree along with the permanent restraint order in effect for life. My two babies now living their existance out on the balancing act on the thin wire of border issues with their father a million miles away by order of the American public of which surrounds me now for nothing more than being the new fad ego booster to cut him to shreds of his dignity as a human and father, my husband.
    This month started with saying goodbye to my husband after a reduced family reality visit of two months that even though grateful for, I cannot help but feel cheated at the very subject being brought out of my mind to be the object of my thoughts. Why do we only "get" two months? Ask my family oriented government why. They seem to have all of the well equipped answers to everything. How could they not with two mouths talking at the same time covering all directions and rocks uncovered. Assholes.
    I arrived at the Pennsylvania nest and was invited to be placed on a chopping block of sorts among fellow searchers for justice, the immigration rights activists. Yes chopping block as it may seem to a woman skin so thin that it became see through. I became aware that the safe place was not so safe after all and that there was something to be said about myself that I am now choosing to guard. I have been reduced to a woman of few words even within my own space because if I am not conformed I will be disqualified according to the politics that we must remain "behind" and know our place. Even this simple paragraph will induce labor and birth of my rejection. For this, my control is handed over, my weakness, you may have, for I do not need it any longer. I am free of it.
     The summer of love was to be extended into fall and the call of my children in the States came with a razors edge in my stability. When I was a girl, my friend Nick committed suicide to the tiny disagreement of a father about college... a question of mortality impressed to an eighteen year old. And now there is my daughter, top of the class, accepted into one of the finest colleges with a scholarship, top of the Math and Latin Club in the area going for the six-year Pharmacy program, denied -by her controlling father nontheless. Smack and smash to what she was capable of. I had to return to ensure that her life would endure, as he is such an asshole.
     A red truck loves to pass our present nest, diesel of course because it sounds powerful. It is my stalker ex, father of the two middle children. He has recently found friendship with the house across the road and it beings much non pleasure to see his truck in their driveway with a group of guys in a huddle looking over at this house. He was made aware last Christmas to stay away from the elementary school from the school's prinipal. Our divorce unfolded in Florida, so I had to actually have the court in this state to call the school here, to explain that, "yes indeed that restraint order in front of you is in effect not one year, or three, as is custom, but it is in fact forever as marked, in their unbelieving eyes." His new wife is the PTA mom. They placed her three boys in the school beside our place even though their school is in a different district. I feel sorry for her the used woman. She must have credit though to afford him a shiny new red truck, how sweet. They came as a family to the recent open-house for parents for the new school year. Such arrogance at the disregard for laws. My son and I ran for the door as he, the ex stalker who happened to be my son's mystery father, was roaming the halls, certainly in search of confrontation. Assholes.
   Speaking of the law, two police cars pulled in looking for "two boys dressed in camo with a gun" as I replied, "oh, that's just my kid and his friend JJ -the gun is not real," as if the whole issue was a mistake. They shot a guy on a Harley with an air pistol. The guy actually chased the boys, but their camo gear ended up blending them into the brush. I am to appear before the magistrate to determine the fine to be paid from the bottomless pit of financial burdens that are well below even the normal electric bill, as low and behold we do not own lamps. We have been stripped of everything and to give more is a wonder that I am no doubt going to experience soon. How to handle the entirety of this circumstance with the pressure of the dam behind it all, alone.
    The process for my husband to come here has been initiated this month, for on my spare moments I gathered the "proof"... that belittled bit of "yes we are real"... with the acknowledgment that someone will read of our lives and pass judgement if we should remain married, or not. That burden of country over spouse placed on my will to gather the photos from my computer memory and disks from our entire past of hugs and kisses and parks and parties that were taken for the love of each other now used to "prove" that we are a real marriage. Nothing can be more demeaning than this. A demand from my own people that I am to feel for the patriotic tear in my eye, possesses burdens that I wonder if they could look passed their ego and sympathsize, or at least allow my husband safe passage. Of course, even with a safe passage, we are talking a possible two more years of this shit blizzard before it is awarded.
   Alone in parenting to some say, "no, you are not alone." Oh, but I am, friend. I am separated by the standard of my own country above it all, as my babies will testify to. My husband is not here - it is that simple. Ask our son who cries himself to sleep and wakes up in the night asking for his father. It is not imagination of any sort. It is virtual lack of control of my life.
    To this first day of the new month and placement of September behind me, I say thank you for one of the worst months in my life. A list that stems from loss, we have now lost control or willing to control or maybe awareness of not having control, derived from experiences of deeply rooted hurts. Despair? So silly to think that I am deserving. No. I still have my 4.0 and have kept my A. On drugs? No. Bad mom? Hardly. Ignorant and rude? Not really. Cheat lie steal, nope. Just a mom, saying goodbye to September 2011 with a smile of "meeting you was a pleasure that has knocked me into a different line of travel" that some folks do to you. I may be alone, but I am still a shining star in the galaxy protected by God. Seems ironic that my life is so shitty, but that is what happens in spiritual warfare, it gets a little dirty.

Conspiracy letter to classmates

     Last winter I said this same idea, without any proof, that the rich are doing this (our immigration woes) on purpose to widen the gap... I was told that no, it was the white supremacy and at that time introduced to John Tanton, which did make some logic... in the meantime all that has proven to me throughout the last year and as well as an actual face been placed on the rich, I do not think I was so far off of a thought. Proof has been quite abundant. Think what you will.
    The following is a letter to a classmate who has been pressuring me to tell him of the big conspiracy theory that I mentioned. This is on our class "wall" not private at all... risking being labelled crazy? Maybe.
I agree with your words.
There is something missing.
Some things are not to be logic.
That is not control and restraint,
But is a gift.   <---- this is pertaining to another discussion....
    So have you ever heard of the country loosing its middle class? Of course I am much older and I hate to even say these words, but "this one time in band camp"... kidding...back in high school in 86-88, I remember learning of the predicted fall of the middle class due to the baby boomers retirement and the available workforce would no longer be able to endure the economic challenges. hmmmm.... that was when I was young.
    ALEC formed its group in the 60s or 70s and it was just a table of important CEO types, business leaders, trying to make themselves feel important enough as people do... uniting their wills together. They would promote someone running for office, however, that guy would always loose. So they tried another approach. They invited the politicians into their table.
    Their group grew, as did their power. Today there are 2,500 political legislative lawmakers as members in their group, paying $50 / year due fees (sometimes with tax-payer monies). Companies such as Exxon, Chevron, Johnson & Johnson, every media, pharmeceutical, etc gosh I cannot begin to name them all, it is just about any company you can name basically... all members now. The fee for them due annually depends on how much they want involved, how deep their power is going to run... for example ten grand is nothing for Exxon to get there hands in the lawmaking ability of the big nature preserves and "go green" and save the planet movements.... worth it... then the basic "plan" for the average company is to be in their group basically "just because" of obvious cliche- got your back- reasons.
    A company called CCA is a privately owned prison company. They make $200 per day each inmate. CCA has their main office in Tennessee. They were the top contributor to Jan Brewer's campaign when she ran for Governmor in Arizona. She has two assistants that both are former CCA employees. Do you know who Jan Brewer is? Russel Pierce is the Senator for Arizona. He is friends with the head of the white supremacy. In a ALEC meeting in April of 2010, CCA, Pierce, and other ALEC members drafted the bill for the first movement anti- immigrant bill that went into effect, with follower states such as Georgia.
CCA's dollar amount made from the arrest, search, and ICE involvement to track down all undocumented, even family, is an extraordinary amount. There are prisons in Texas that have kept children, mothers are separated from their babies at night, (for years not days) many things that are wrong, deaths, neglience, etc.
This is why I know of ALEC... but there is more.
The media will only show one side, why is that? They are in ALEC.
    There are tens of thousands of Americans with a member of their family that has been affected, children without parents, children that have been taken into state custody and given up for adoption because their parents were deported... there is no remorse. And we are to be a country of family value. Okay.
      The bars placed on the return of a person that has been proven to be here in the past is anywhere from 10, 20 or lifetime bars. There is a loophole which is called an extreme hardship waiver. This is a pardon awarded with an expensive lawyer and if there is a family say wife and children, there is to be a proven hardship to the spouse, such as cancer and no one left to raise the children for example. It does not allow for mention of the children crying and depression provoked from being separated, as they can move/follow into the country of their parent. So American children are being forced into exile from their own country that they have rights of protection into countries that people are fleeing from. This is happening. However this is all fact and is not conspiracy....
Leading back to the first question. Do you know about the country loosing its middle class?
     Because I have felt and witnessed the power of ALEC I can stand by my conspiracy thoughts, even if radical.
      The immigration factor does what...brings more workforce into America. ALEC derives its power how? By being rich, by manipulation of the politicians. The politicians have who to please? The voice of the middle class, or the for the people by the people. You eliminate and trim and what is there... powerful rich big business and poor powerless masses of people. Do you see my point? Widen the gap as much as possible and quickly as possible. Politicians are looking more and more - what is the word... unworthy, dysfunctional, incapable, etc every year. Media controls everything including what we are thinking. The mindless masses have no clue that it is being taken away. They just follow along in a lulled false sense of security.
    They are prepared for financial uprisings which should be coming. These camps for the immigrants went from mid 40s to mid 70s in the past couple years, big money and large facilities. Conspiracy maybe... but I have seen so much proof of the financial gain of powerful big business. It goes beyond the border of America. Check it all out if you do not believe me.
       There that is what I know. I liked life better when I thought that George Washington was "the man" but now it is different. Now you will notice it. I have many links if you want to see things. But that will take some doing, I am not real organized like a big conspiracy cork board or anything, its all just things I think. Money and racism, its all hand in hand making the gap wider, eliminating the middle and gaining big bucks in the mean time. Yup! This has nothing to do with philosophy...
I do love this class. I drive everyone crazy with my analyzing... always did.  I thought I would make a good lawyer since I like to argue and analyze, but as you can see, did not do that. Just a mom.
Okay well I think that is all I got for now. I know it sounds like nutso political hogwash... its fine, my mom does too.