Thursday, July 19, 2012



My husband laughs at my “plans, plans, everything is plans”...

He tells me to just live my life – that life is not about a plan.

Maybe that is why I feel so twisted and angry at my lack of control or frustration at the attempt to control everything in a nicely packaged squared off fashion.

That notch in the shelf… the one that bothers me every time I look at it. It is a notch that is there naturally by way of a knot in the wood that broke out leaving a cut out in the straight edge of the board. Naturally there or not I do not appreciate it breaking up the straight-lined edge of the shelf where I stack my cups and plates in my kitchen. It bothers me. It bothers me because if the board was cut to nestle in that corner shelf with that notch “planned” for the wall side instead of the side I had to look at, I would not be bothered by it.

That is a control issue. That is what I am talking about. I do not like to see that things “could be” one way, if only there would have been a plan. So I plan endlessly…

The entire immigration mess is all about absolute loss of control.

Nearly impossible to have a concrete plan… or rather “one” solid plan without thinking through the 99 back-up plans that need to possibly jump in to rescue us all from the one plan that we were following.

It is a hard way to live.

When you wake up each day with somewhat of a direction it clears up energy for just living and enjoying. That is normalcy really. Having something of a handle on what is going on in your circle. Of course total control is impossible. Life makes its own mind up as to what it will do with you.

Presently my emotions are somewhat teetering between appreciation and happiness for the possibilities that could happen to my family and the extreme fear of that opportunity being so close to being swiped away and we get sucked back into the time vortex of immigration separation life.

It is a serious life issue too. It is not about a table cloth sale or we could go even bigger with the sale of a car – heck let’s make it the sale of a house.
This is huge… it involves lives and time.
My life and my time. My family, my children, my husband…
That is more important to me than anything.

We have a lot riding on Ricardo’s interview.

If he gets his visa, we start our life.
If he does not, we continue to die inside while we play this idiots game of who gives a shit about the illegals.

Someone said in a discussion this morning that people need to “own up” for what they have done – that no one held a gun to your head…

We sold our van to pay for his appointment. It was the only option.

We sold it to family so they paid for it before the appointment so that we could have the money for the appointment, but because I am in Mexico now without my husband, they delayed “collection” of my van until he returns.

Over the years that we have had our condo, I have brought many suitcases of things down from the USA. There were some things that are not something that I want to part with, but yet cannot take up to the States at this time, so we took a trip to his mom’s house to store them. This would include 2 oversized suitcases of 3-400 count English children’s books, my grandmother’s Singer sewing machine with multiple attachments, and a few other things. I already have a dozen suitcases going up to Pennsylvania full. Most of our things we are giving away to family and friends and neighbors.

We were gone for 4 days to his mom’s house to take these things there and when we returned, Ricardo was let go from his employment of 4 years. They did so because the boss’s son in law needed work and were too chicken to tell Ricardo to his face, so we got a text message while we were out of state.

He threatened a lawyer and they paid him off $4000 pesos… He could have got much more, (like 15,000) but we needed the money now (for food and bills) not later in the amount of time a true pursuit of the claim would take.

So when he comes back from the appointment we need to have closure on this part of our lives because our life here has caved in financially as our concentration has been put on the future with our visa attempt.

If he is denied, the only way we will keep our home from foreclosure here with him living in it, is if he can find another job, or I pay via bank transfer from the USA, which in itself is heartbreaking to imagine more time without him in our lives…

The kids and I fly back on the 19th, his birthday weekend.
My college classes start 8am on the 20th – full day ending in a 3 hour biology lab afternoon… starting with a speech class – hopefully without a first day in front of the class introduction… really.

That is after the flight lands at midnight and getting home and in bed at lucky 3 am…

With or without my husband by my side….

But that sleepy emotional consequence was a sacrifice for waiting till after his birthday to fly back.

After missing three of my six kids’ birthdays this year alone…

It is SHIT like that that I am so worn from… just years of no plan- just living without any stability, flying all over the place with these kids…

All of our hearts breaking all of the time…
Having to leave some children in the states and having to leave him by himself…
Just all of it.
I don’t want to live without a solid plan anymore.
Life stuck in the immigration web does not offer an opportunity for plans.
Just survival.
He better get his visa.

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