Tuesday, February 1, 2011

my American dreams abortion

I am really angry tonight. It will be a week and I get to be with my husband so I should be happy. When we were on the phone tonight the conversation was quiet. Yes we love each other, no question. But what more can you say. How many times can you say oh the baby is so cute, oh I miss you, lets go over the airport plan once more. I get a "que ases, no mames." I mean really. Hey there was an exciting nothing that happened today. But yea it sucks.
So I think a lot when I am at work about this. I think about how much in common my own life has with an anchor baby. We are both born here, but yet what good is it.
I am starting to feel the emotional pain of my Americanism being sucked out of me like a botched up abortion. I think it would be right to call it the silent scream, silent American scream, the dream scream. I guess it would be the dream scream to the pointy white hats.
But I feel sad. I am mourning my childhood girl inside who is slowly dying. Everything I have ever known to be true about my right to be me, free to be me, is now seemingly a big lie. I hate to feel the loss cause it makes me so angry. Exactly who is taking it. A bunch of uninformed American countrymen who go to the same schools stores and jobs with my family. The ones as a whole who blindly say, its ok as long as they do it legally, I am so sick of hearing that twisted version of copout excuses for pathetic unnecessary ignorance that is destroying my life.
I wonder if I will resent my husband. I wonder if has a clue what I am not allowed to keep for myself, beyond my physical location, it is the me side of our relationship. It is one thing if I moved free will somewhere else. But to have no other option...that is a tough one to swallow.
I cant get why Christians arent fighting for us either. I have asked so many times for them to at least give a little wave to let us know they're there, but I am getting nothing. But hello..."focus on the family" I guess just not ours. We give a warm enthusiastic "you can do it" to the alcoholics, or "she found Jesus through her struggles as a mother of a wayward teen", and even my favorite "let us help the poor". What about our family. Are we in a class of criminals now? We are write offs in the to do lists of the church. I am sad that we do not rate even though God loves us through our pains.
I guess that will be all for now. One more night...


  1. I don't believe in Christians anymore, when I was in my greatest time of need as a pregnant 18 yo, all I heard was criticism and opinions but never any offers of help or assistance. Just lots of what I shouldn't do or have done, but never true love or friendship.


  2. It is so awful how the churches can treat people in need. My greatest need was when my husband was in custody and the church cut his name from the members registry because he wasn't attending meetings. We were told "under the circumstances" to seek help elsewhere. I haven't lost my faith in God but I have no faith in churches or "Christians".