The color of blue

http://youtu.be/C3Fzql-3_zM

Finally we found each other and then...

We are due to go back to the USA and leave my husband in Mexico this week.
Coming to the end of our relationship this time around. Not quite developed any inspirational energy to start packing yet... been here way too many times and it never gets any easier. Goodbye to my home and my husband's arms and legs wrapped around me keeping me safe from the world of unhappy loss of direction that I self create. Goodbye to my living within the same air that we breathe together while we sleep. Dinner time is now on me. Time to change the diet from Mexican to American, endure the culture shock of forgetting how to cook for a couple weeks, forgetting where I am, with our kids reminding me that we have to eat everyday, not just when I happen to remember that life goes on.
My chest feels heavy, my stomach is nauseated, my eyes are burning. Physically letting go is hard on me. Emotionally, it puts me on the very edge...
We talked about how I could stay, figured it all out - the hows and whens and whatnots...
My daughter tells me she needs me. She needs me.
Ricardo could see this after the two days of relief plan made. It was in my face. The concern of a mother who fears for the life of her daughter...
He said to me, while we lay on the couch, with tears in his eyes and an understanding smile,
for me to go on the scheduled flight and not fight it anymore, let it go...
He is giving up his fatherhood, daily smiles with his babies, sacrificing for me to be with my daughter that is from a previous marriage...
how many men would do that with such grace? Valiance! My hero...
And now we gather our things, should we leave those hair-ties or take them... what about those flip flops and the cook book, should it travel? I do not know when I will be back.
I wish... for way too many things.
The process of letting go of your life... I guess that I should consider this practice for in the end...
Being as that I cannot take anything there either, including people. That is one step in the other direction for comparison sakes that should raise my spirits to the situation, at least we are not dying... we will see each other again. Deep emotion, depression, despair...
Handling it with style and grace is what we do, what choice has been given to us.
My country has forsaken my family to protect us - to care about our sad moments.
My husband is nothing but a criminal marked illegal, overlooking his gift of his sacrifice that he faces in loving me and the kids, the Capulets and the Montagues. Where do we all belong...
So the problem of me being married previous with children issue has come to a conclusion within the subject of our discussions, he is willing to sacrifice as only a loving father would do, for all of their benefit, even the children that are not his, because they are part of me. Truly one family, we are truly related him and I... marriage is an understatement.
How to capture that warmth of his hand holding mine so that I can make it through... I will never perfect the formula.